Read this Opinion Piece I Wrote on a Website I Named after Myself, Because I am Critically Important
This is my introductory anecdote. It is about a time in a place where a thing happened to me. It is long, personal, and does not in any way pertain to this article's real meaning. This is odd. This is not the topic in the headline. This introduction seems irrelevant to you, and you're getting bored. You stop reading the first paragraph, and jump to the second in hopes that the real topic of this article will be discussed.
Surprise, bitch. It's another anecdote. I'm talking about another time, similar to that first time, where a thing happened to me -- a second, parallel anecdote. You're frustrated, and spend even less time on the second paragraph, jumping to the third.
At long last, an idea is introduced. You're fascinated, as this is the idea that was teased in the title. You see that I am drawing a comparison between my anecdotes and this idea. The comparison is weak, but you don't care. After all, you only clicked this because we're Facebook friends, and the next time you see me at a party you'd like to be able to say you read some of the articles on my website. You wonder if the things I have to say about this idea will be at all valuable. Regardless, you will tell me that this is a great article at the party.
The idea is a problem. It's a social problem. It's the kind of social problem that only guilty white people would write articles about. I'm giving background information about the problem, it's history, and other trivia to prove to you that I am knowledgable. I am building rapport.
I describe in lengthy detail my personal connection to the social problem. Detail, detail detail Detail detail. Detail detail detail detail. Detail detail? Detail. Detail: detail detail Detail detail. Detail detail -- detail. The tension is rising, now. I'm becoming more passionate about the social problem. The language I am using is active and accusatory.
This paragraph is only one sentence because it is the serious climax of the previous paragraph.
What's this? It's a stock image of the social problem. You can tell it's a stock image because there is a watermark. I had hoped you would not notice that. You did.
The image is in black and white, because it is sad. Now I'm talking about how sad this social problem is. You are feeling sympathetic towards the victims of the social problem. You remember my personal connection. You're feeling sad for me, now. You wonder what I might say next.
This is the hope paragraph. I explain there is still hope for these social problem victims. I talk about my passion for helping others. I mention that I go to church. This is to make me look like the perfect person. You like the perfect person.
I explain that I want to go help the victims of the social problem. I think that I can make a huge difference in the location of the social problem, but it is far away. Far away places are very expensive to get to. This is where I mention my GoFundMe campaign for my self-deployed mission trip. I link the GoFundMe campaign page in this paragraph.
This is the conclusion. I ask for your help with this serious, impactful endeavor. I link the GoFundMe again. I thank you for your time, because it is very valuable, and I add this article to my resume.